Hello! I am Svitlana, a participant of the YARMIZ project, and I am waiting for my husband from the war. I want to tell you what helps me in this, and what, on the contrary, only harms me.
This will be purely my individual experience, but suddenly this information will help someone.
- RESPECT INSTEAD OF PITY
My husband went to serve on February 24, 2022 in the Territorial Defense Forces. From time to time we could see each other, because his service was not far from our city, but already in September he and the guys were sent to reinforce another brigade to the east, where he had to work at zero. And the first thing I automatically began to think about my husband was "poor, unfortunate, how is he there, it's so hard for him there." As a result of these thoughts, there was an internal prohibition to tell him about his problems and troubles (so as not to "burden him"), to tell him about his joys (so that he would not feel deprived), to have any pleasures and entertainment. I immediately felt how such prohibitions create a gap in communication and distance us from each other. Moreover, as it turned out, the man did not expect and did not ask for such sympathy. For him, it did not feel like a manifestation of care and love. That's why I learned to look at my husband "in strength", so to speak: he is big and powerful, he can handle everything, I can still rely on him, it is still my duty to open my heart to him. That's why I started sharing my feelings with him again, looking for understanding and support, even asking him to remotely help me solve some household issues. He remained involved in civilian life and felt needed and indispensable, and I suffered less from loneliness and got rid of the feeling that now "all alone, all alone."
- ATTENTION TO YOUR NEEDS AND SELF CARE
In a critical situation, women are the first to sacrifice anything to save loved ones from trouble. And I am no exception - in the first months, I was as focused as possible on my husband's needs, not paying attention to the difficulties and fears I was experiencing myself. But I already have the experience of burnout, so I recognized its manifestations in advance. And also accepted the harsh reality: a full-scale invasion is a marathon, not a "two-three week" sprint. Therefore, in order to be a support for my loved one, I myself have to take care of my resource. During the two and a half years that the great war was going on, I tried various tools: massage, yoga, psychotherapy, meetings with friends, outings in nature, even trips to the beauty salon. It seems that it is not on time, but somehow we have to hold out for victory, and for this it is important to use all available methods of recovery and replenishment. I was also lucky (relatively speaking) in that I took the start of the war to heart in 2014 and even then experienced survivor's guilt. That's why I didn't fall for her this time, and I diligently swept any manifestations of toxic shame and guilt out of my thoughts.
Here is an example. After the first rotation, I watched the man for several days to understand how he was affected by all that he experienced at ground zero. And when she made sure that he sleeps well, eats well, as before, actively communicates with friends, talks about all those terrible events in which he became a participant, then she immediately started her recovery. After all, you yourself can imagine in what state I spent those couple of weeks when he almost did not get in touch. I don't know at all how I didn't lose my sanity when one morning I saw a message in a telegram from his brother, which began with the words: "the main thing is not to worry"...
- SPEAKING IN I-MESSAGES
Speaking in general is very important. Even when he is silent or unable to communicate. Tell about small events of the day, about a funny dog at the bus stop, about a new salad bowl, about a strange dream. To share experiences, fears, doubts, realizations, dreams, plans. Do not wait for the "right moment", do not freeze or preserve anything in yourself. To remain open and sincere with loved ones. Even if these are difficult topics and you feel sorry for him, believe me - men are stronger than we used to think about them. The main thing is not to be afraid of this silence in response and to give the man time for everything.
Do not demand answers and solutions here and now. Avoid claims and the word "you", describe your feelings and use the word "I". Not "you went to your shitty war and left me alone", but "I feel abandoned, I'm lonely, I need you, it's a pity that we can't be together now".
- FILTER NEGATIVE
Going full blown was the scariest time of my life, but I've never felt so much love. When in the darkest days everyone started to fight as one, along with deep despair, I felt euphoria from pride for "my own". When the Kyiv region was liberated, and the terrible crimes committed by the occupiers were revealed to us, I was terribly moved by how millions of Ukrainians mourned these victims. Bright, brave, empathetic people, millions of such people around me, with me, in the same country, on the same side. And I try to hold on to this image when my brain starts to get cluttered with some random information from social networks or the environment. Each of us will have a couple of evasive acquaintances, a couple of girlfriends who went abroad and have not posted a single collection since then, a couple of non-bloggers who can blurt out about "we need to negotiate and give the territory", but I look at all this with a blurred vision, like a short-sighted person without glasses. At the same time, I look at my husband, at his brothers, at volunteers, at the support of the Western world with clear eyes, a focused gaze. As soon as we let despair into our hearts, we will play and be destroyed. Everything rests on our confidence that we are worthy to fight and worthy to win. And there are plenty of such people around.
- THE HOLY STANDARD RULE: THE WAY I DO IT IS THE RIGHT WAY
Here, the psychotherapy that I underwent a few years ago with Maryna Syrica, who is now the director of the YARMIZ Center, seriously helped me. It was she who helped me overcome the pattern of inferiority and believe that I deserve love and respect simply by the fact of my birth. Since then, I have been attentive to my emotions and states. The inner critic may whisper that I am not a good enough wife (because I did not go to see my husband in the East because I was afraid of shelling), I do not do enough to win (because I did not mobilize, did not volunteer much, I do not have the opportunity to contribute much), a sufficiently conscious Ukrainian woman (because she did not give birth to children, did not criticize someone for her Russian language, did not take a course in medical care, etc.). But I do not negotiate with this critic, I very rudely send him away. If I eat my emotions, or I give myself time to live without work, or I can't sleep at night, or on the contrary, I lose my mind during the day, or I eat corn sticks while watching the news about Okhmatdit, or suddenly sob for four hours in a row from some tiktok video - this is all a normal reaction to abnormal events. The way I cope is the right way. My body is wise, my psyche is wise, my feminine essence knows how to live it. I can trust myself, I am my own support.
These are the things that help me stay motivated and active, keep faith in our defenders, support my husband and not fall apart on my own.
The project "Stable family - strong country" is implemented with financial support and International Renaissance Foundation.