Returning home is always a long-awaited event. The wife prepares her favorite dinner, the children joyfully run out to meet them, and the parents sigh with relief: “Finally home.” But often behind this first hug lies a difficult path of adaptation, for everyone. Because the one who has returned is no longer quite the same as the one who left.
Why this happens and how to help the family become a whole again, shares with us Oksana Gonyailo, a psychologist at Boreviter University, Yarmiz Center, and a leader of support groups for expecting women.
Oksana, many military families face difficulties after their relatives return from war. Why is this happening?
The first thing you need to understand: the main task of a soldier when performing a combat mission is to survive. Based on this, he needs maximum vigilance, concentration, and emotional restraint. This state becomes a habit and is transferred to civilian life. I often hear from relatives: “It’s like he’s not with us,” “She’s silent, avoids talking,” “He used to hug the children before going to bed, but now he’s hiding in another room.” This is not about indifference. It’s about the fact that their brains haven’t let go of the battlefield yet, so after returning, it takes some time to adapt. What difficulties may arise in a family after a military member returns? First of all – communication. Relatives are waiting for "the same" man or woman who went to war, but a person who has seen too much returns.Imagine that a person has lived for months in an environment where they have to react instantly to danger. And now they are at home, and suddenly a child runs up from behind or someone slams the door. The reaction? The body tenses, the heart jumps out of the chest, and in the head there is an order to act.
One more thing – changes in habits. Some people can't sleep in silence and only fall asleep with the TV on, because at the front, silence meant danger. And some, on the contrary, can't stand loud sounds. The same goes for emotional intimacy: after a long period of self-control, it's hard to immediately return to the usual hugs or sleeping together. For each warrior, the adaptation period will be individual.Adaptation can be relatively easy, or it can have certain specifics in perception and reactions.There are a few important things to consider:
Give him/her time and space to recover from what he/she has experienced. Adaptation is a process and it doesn't happen overnight.
Create the most comfortable, peaceful atmosphere at home.
Be understanding of changes in behavior. Touch, noise, even habits may be different.
Hug and touch with caution, warning and asking permission first.
Never approach or sneak up from behind – this can cause an uncontrolled reaction. Approach from the side or front.
Warn the children (if they are old enough – 7+ years old and able to understand the context of the problem), ask them to calm down if possible and not insist on activities (if your partner is not ready for this). Explain that the father or mother needs time.
Show care, patience, show your attitude through care and understanding.
Pity is not needed, support is needed. It is important to realize: military personnel and veterans do not need pity. They are strong, they have endured what many find difficult to imagine. But they need respect and support. Sometimes support is simply being there silently. Sometimes it is a cup of coffee without unnecessary words.
An important aspect of all this is that you also need support and endurance. After all, adaptation is a joint process. If you are having a hard time, seek support: from friends, to support groups, to a psychologist. There are many organizations (including Yarmiz) that provide free support to families of military personnel and veterans. You don’t have to be a hero who can endure everything alone.
Common questions: "what not to ask about", "why don't they talk", "he doesn't share with me", "he's generally silent". What is not needed – don't ask about what happened on the battlefield. Yes, people usually ask not out of malice, but out of curiosity or a sincere desire to understand. But often these questions do not provide answers, but only create more distance between you. "I don't want to talk about it" - does that sound familiar? And it's not necessarily because the military doesn't trust you.▪︎ Firstly, some things can't be put into words.
▪︎ Secondly, war leaves scars, and not all of them are visible. Some are deep inside, and touching them with words hurts. Talking about their experiences can take a soldier back to a place where it was dark and scary. His (her) experience is about survival, about pain, about choices that not everyone can understand. That is why they avoid talking. Not because they don't trust you, but because trying to protect themselves.
▪︎ Thirdly, They may also try to protect you.. If your partner or relative decides to share what was there one day, it's important to ask yourself: "Am I ready to hear this?" Because the truth can be difficult. This is something that should be discussed in advance. When there is time. When there is trust.
▪︎ And one more thing: There are things that are better left unsaid. not with family, but with specialistsPsychologists, trauma therapists, people who can help you live through the experience without getting stuck in it.
▪︎ And finally. This also applies to the military themselves: if you notice that your partner is having a hard time (sleep, appetite are disturbed, there is some irritability, aggressiveness) for a long time, contact specialists.
Unfortunately, there is still a certain stigma attached to psychological help, such as: “Am I crazy?” and “I can handle everything on my own”…
Nevertheless, you need to look for ways to get this help (a little tip: you can talk about it with your commander, or with a comrade, whom he/she/will listen to, very often, they become very close and listen to each other).
Probably the most important thing that will never be superfluous is the love, acceptance, and care that you will shower on him (her). Love heals and keeps us all together!
The material was prepared within the framework of the project "Resilience. Strength. Support" thanks to the support of European Union in Ukraine and and International Renaissance Foundation within the framework of the joint initiative "European Renaissance of Ukraine: Civil Society Resilience and Recovery Initiative".The material represents the views of the authors and does not necessarily reflect the views of the European Union or the International Renaissance Foundation.