War tests not only a person, but also their family. Returning from the front, living at a distance, anxiety, loss and a new reality often become a serious challenge for marital relationships. On the air of the Space of Protection program on Armia FM, a family psychotherapist, head of the rehabilitation and readaptation center "Yarmiz» Marina Syritsa.
— Tell us about yourself as the head of the center and why Yarmiz?
— I am not only a family psychotherapist, but also the wife of a military man, a warrior. And in my family there are a lot of people who are now continuing to defend our country. And, in fact, one of my values and missions is to help families, to help our veterans build relationships in a reality where there is a lot of pain, a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of challenges of war. Actually, the Yarmiz center is such an interesting word that means “to put things in order”, to put things in order. And from this, our team builds the entire strategy and interaction. We put things in order where there is a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of tension. Actually, we talk a lot and work with this.
— What specifically do veterans ask your center for help with? How does psychological support work and what is it aimed at?
— We work in several directions. If we talk about the center itself and how our work is structured, then currently we work mainly in the online format, as well as in the format of visits, conducting exercises, supporting not only veterans and their families, but also military personnel. Because we have a large number of veterans who were veterans before the full-scale invasion, but continued their service and became military personnel again. We work as mobile teams that travel to certain requests, as a training center for mental health specialists - these are psychologists, first-line specialists, veteran support specialists, social workers. And we work directly with veterans, relatives and their family members. The requests that come to us are relationships, difficulties in relationships, conflicts, questions about how to resolve conflicts, how to understand a wife or husband, family problems that may arise with children. That is, everything related to the topic of love, romance, relationships, and interaction are the most frequent questions that veterans ask us.
— Are veterans or their family members more likely to make such requests?
— If we talk about the period before the full-scale invasion, previously more wives applied. Now we see a different trend and are very happy that men have become more active. Perhaps during this time we have managed to build more trust, which is why they are more open with their questions. Sometimes they simply ask in a dialogue format: where can I read about it, how to act in a certain situation, without signing up for a consultation. And sometimes they really ask for a consultation to understand how to cope with the challenges that exist. It is also great that many young couples are now seeking help. We see that couples aged about 28 and older are much more likely to apply, because they are more open. Obviously, the popularization of mental health and the awareness that it is normal to turn to a specialist if you cannot cope with a problem on your own is yielding results. Now many young couples, noticing the first difficulties or conflicts, immediately come with a request to explain, help, co-ordinate, and establish interaction. This is a very positive dynamic.
— Many wives of military personnel and prisoners of war talk about the difficulties they experience while waiting. How many such appeals do you receive to your center?
— In fact, it is difficult for us to talk about the statistics of appeals. We focus more on the projects we are implementing, and only then do we invite people to the relevant activities. For example, by the New Year we completed a large project, within the framework of which support groups for wives who are waiting for their husbands from the war worked. We talked a lot about how to regulate your condition, how to help yourself, how to improve your life. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury or selfishness. It is a necessity. When a wife is resourceful, she can be a good mother and maintain relationships at a distance. And this is exactly what many of our families are facing today - the need to form relationships at a distance. This is what is called long-distance attachment. This requires strength and a lot of internal resources.
— You mentioned mobile teams. What requests do they fulfill and what calls do they respond to?
— Most often, these are requests from military units where certain measures need to be taken or the work of military psychologists needs to be strengthened. We respond not only to requests regarding preparation for service or being in war. We all understand that life goes on in war, so many requests are not about war, but about relationships, interaction, and how to move on. That is why we go out to conduct rehabilitation measures and exercises. Year after year, we train commanders and officers, who are a very important part of supporting personnel.
— Can a military psychologist contact you for training or education?
— Yes, of course. Our trainings are mostly focused on the topic of connections and relationships. One of the trainings is called "Strong Connections - Strong Couples." This is an adaptation program for couples and families after a military member returns home. We also conduct training in crisis counseling for couples and support for military families. We always try to invite representatives of military units, in particular military psychologists. This helps them gain new knowledge, understand how civilian specialists work, and also build a system of referrals between different specialists. In fact, we create a network of proven and reliable contacts for further interaction.
— Can you tell us about the most difficult case you have been approached with?
— All of our cases are not easy. Couples usually come with difficult situations. Especially difficult are cases when the family has addictive behavior of one of the partners. Then the work of not one specialist is required, but a multidisciplinary team with the involvement of a narcologist, psychiatrist and subsequent referral to rehabilitation centers. Therefore, almost every one of our cases is the work of not one specialist, but the interaction of an entire team and partner organizations. I can say that all of our cases are with an asterisk. This is not about average consultations. We see how much war affects relationships. Its consequences, internal trauma, physical and mental injuries leave their mark on families. It is very good when a couple realizes this and does not demand instant results from each other. After exhaustion, it takes time to recover, return to oneself, one's desires and understanding. The three main components of a relationship are gradually restored: emotional contact, the sphere of care and the sexual sphere. Emotional contact is restored after worries and experiences. Caring is manifested in simple things - making breakfast, helping each other with everyday life. The sexual sphere also takes time, when partners get used to each other again, learn to be close, hug, feel close. Each process requires time, respect for the other and understanding that for some this path will be faster, and for some slower. The victory of each family may be the fact that it managed to preserve itself. And very often we see how couples become stronger after experiencing difficulties. Post-traumatic growth occurs, values change, respect, support and mutual understanding increase. We see many examples of how couples cope. For example, when a man says: “I understand that I can scream, but my scream is not about wanting to hurt, but about the fact that I can’t cope.” Such awareness helps partners understand each other better.
— What would you like to say to veterans and their families in closing?
— I want to say that love, as Zhadan said, is work. And we need to do it every day.